Veillis avec moi, le mellieur est encore a venir

As i look back into my life today..
I realise that all this while, I've indeed been lying to myself..
I mean.. really lying to myself.. A LOT!!
Deep down inside all this while, I have been lying to myself..
Over the many many occasions in my life, people has asked me about me, having regrets in life..
I would end up pondering and go "hmmmm.. definitely not.."

But being human beings.. I do have my regrets..
My biggest and only regret was not to cherish those who I am crazily in love with..
I would just end up letting my heart sway and end up making the same mistake over and over again..
Time and time again i told myself that I would never allow such things to happen to me..
But as time and time goes by, it just fall weakness to it and it puts me down..
I seriously abhore this roller coaster ride..
This turmoil within my emotions that I am in right now and really often..
I would just bottle up everything till one day, I reach my breaking point and go "BOOOM"..
Sad to say time and again, I just allow myself to fall prey by such thoughts and feelings..
As i type this post with tears in my eyes..
Deep down i told myself, no matter how man or strong i can be..
I am still human being..
I admit it I am weak.. I do, as well, need support from others..

C'mon Ben!!!! You gotta seriously be a man!! *Slap myself twice*
Stay Strong.. Fight on..
Believe in God!!!
Where is your faith you little fool!!!
How dumb can you be?
Are you gonna just let the devil win this long term battle?
Think about it, why is such a thing always happening to you??
It just can mean only one thing..
YES!! JUST ONE THING..
YOU HAVE YET TO GROW UP IN THIS AREA!!!
Be strong Ben.. Be strong..
You can do it..

I admit Father, that I am weak.. I truly need You.. Please be there for me Father..

Labels: emo, Singapore

Hey everyone!!!
In my last post, i stated that i went for an MRI scan. 2 days ago, I went back down to the hospital with Henry (thanks for accompanying me mate) to collect my results.

Based on the results, these is the diagnosis.
Below is a picture of a human back with a picture depicting the human anatomy.

As you can see in this picture, it shows a few things. Firstly, it's the 2 arrows. Apparently, I had Spinal Disc Herniation, commonly known as slipped disc. It happens where as said by wikipedia, is a medical condition affecting the spine, in which a tear in the outer, fibrous ring (annulus fibrosus) of an intervertebral disc (discus intervertebralis) allows the soft, central portion (nucleus pulposus) to bulge out.

I had my disc slipped off along in between my 12th Thoracic Spine and my 1st Lumbar Spine, as well as between my 4th and 5th Lumbar Spine. Due to that, i had my muscles heavily thorn and damaged within the red sprayed pain area. That was my complete medical diagnosis.

Really really wanna thank God for no nerve damages, if not, i will have to go for surgery. As for now, I will have to go through few months to a year of intense physiotherapy.

Headed down to CMPB today for my Body Checkup for my National Service. I was assigned a Pest D, which is under pending, due to the Medical Officer (MO) needing my medical report from the hospital before further diagnosis. The other parts of my screening were under Pest A, which is very fit. Thank God for a Healthy Body.

So as for now, just will have to wait for the letter before heading onto my next phrase of life which is to serve my army. Best wishes to me then =))))

Labels: health, NS, Singapore

Just went for an MRI scan yesterday at the very new Khoo Teck Puat Hospital (KTPH). This is the 2nd time i went for an MRI scan. The very 1st time for about 12 years ago and i did an MRI on my brain to test for any complications within my brain that caused my nose to bleed all the time.

So what was the reason behind me going for an MRI scan yesterday?

I have been suffering from a serious back injury for a long time, approximately 2 to 3 years i suppose? or should i say that the pain and numbness has been instilled with me for so long that i just lived with it like as though it has been a part of my daily life. I have gone through physiotheraphy both in Singapore and Australia over the years to ease the pain. However, due to my work load in the Food and Beverage Industry, which requires long standing hours and labour intensive with heavy manual handling, i ended up not having my injury well recovered. I have been surviving on painkillers and vitamin B12 supplements to strengthen my nerves to ensure that it's strong enough to support my back and my day to day living.

So this results will actually determine my future in the singapore army. Doctors suspected of a slip disc and there is a really high probability of me having to go for surgery, which after the surgery, i will have to learn how to walk again. This is gonna be a long time and a hard time of rehabilitation.

As i went into the MRI, i realise that i am a bit claustrophobic, which is being afraid of confined spaces. I realised that i almost got into a state of panic being placed inside a tube for the scan.

Well, shall see how things go. The results will be out on the 27 of july, where I will know the outcome of my future. As of now, I am believing in God that He will have everything sorted out for me in my future. Just waiting for me to proceed and grab it.

Labels: health, Singapore

Alright people,
Just to let everyone know (whoever that bothers to read this post),
BENBEN is back in Singapore!!! *claps claps*
Actually, it's something that happened 2 weeks ago..

I landed exactly 2 weeks ago at 0302 hours at Budget terminal of Singapore..
Just to update to everyone on how my life has been,
i would use these words as the perfect description for it..

1) BORING.. BORED TO TEARS!!!

2) Fruitful
a. Made New Friends
b. Caught up with some mates
c. Seeing people growing

3) IMPACTING
a. Service and CGs
b. Self-actualisation based on having reflections
c. Gestures and doings of people

Not forgetting I will also be talking about my future plans from here =)))

Alright, shall be talking about my doings the past 2 weeks and the thoughts that have hit onto my head recently.

These few days, I have been feeling really bored, as in YES, EXTREMELY BORED!!
Reason being that I have been really doing nothing really that productive and just staying at home, rotting in front of my internet, not able to sleep as my energy output compared to last time is so much lesser to now, thus, i really need to burn heaps of energy before i could really sleep.. I was so bored to the extend that I have officially accomplished to watched finish a whole 16 episode korean drama in just 4 days!! considering that it was over a saturday to tuesday and having heaps of activities..

(Credits to Google Images for the picture)

The korean drama which i've caught was Personal Taste, 4.7/5 stars in my opinion, a really awesome drama, got my emotions stirred along with the drama as i carry on watching each episode. I highly recommend it to people who feel bored like me to watch it.

This trip back has been extremely fruitful. I have made a few friends who are really really awesome people to meet. It first started from this girl named Jindee, who is half thai and peranakan, Singaporean, Physiotherapist at Changi Hospital and for the Young Lions (soccer team) as well.. We chatted the entire journey back and we even had a few drinks and awesome time chatting with each other, getting to know each other throughout that 5 hours on the plane. I added her on facebook even once I came back =)

Just a yesterday, I have made a group of friends who are karmen and esther's friends. They are from Choir Ministry in Church. Blythe and Aaron, the 1st 2 whom I've met were at Karmen's house ystd to give her a big surprise. Really awesome of them to come all the way down. After that, I was introduce to Gabriel and Weiye, whom are friends of Blythe and Aaron, from CHC as well. We had maccas for supper and went to Lan and played L4D2 till like bloody 5am, mac brekky. Really super good company and they will jio me out for more activities in the future as well.

Throughout the past week, I have caught up with a few mates, they are:
- Yong Gao,
- W193,
- N246,
- MSL Badminton (Teachers, Students and Coaches)
- Juli (met coincidentally at Waterfront)
- Mas (met coincidentally at RP)
- NJ and YK (not much, but awesome to see them!!)
- Shi Ni (Met up a few times to chat and makan supper tgt, ok lah, i eat, she watch)
etc etc...

I really look forward to catch up with the rest of my mates, everyone seems so busy with work and school lately, since considering most of my friends are either working or in poly year 3 already, rushing their Final Year Project (FYP).

I also manage to meet a cyber friend of mine, who was introduced by Fiona of E499. Yan Ee to me, is someone who's a really really really really awesome person. Her name is Yan Ee. She is someone who's really smart, talented in cooking, SUPER PASSIONATE about what she does. She loves food even more than me. She has a BIG BIG dream, of opening her own bakery one day. Something that I really respect her for. I will post her picture one day!! (I FORGOTTEN TO TAKE PICTURE WITH HER SO FAR!!)

These 2 weeks, I have also done these followings
- Went with Jermaine Mummy for Shopping at Orchard
- Movie (Knight and Day) with Alicia Khoo Shorty
- Coincidentally meeting Shi Ni, Yk and NJ at Cineleisure while movie with Alicia
- Fellowship with Reeve, Jermaine, Shi Han, Ming Fu, Pei Wen and a new friend of mine, Flinton.
- Movie, Pool, Makan, Bakerzin with Liwei, Jermaine, Vincent, Reeve and Shi Han
- Badminton and Makan with Pingping, Norine, Nson, Chowleng and Wei Ling
- Po po's birthday gathering with Family
etc etc

Here are a few photos from the occasions

With Alicia after the movie.. I feel she still looks the same over the years =X

Met Shi Ni and NJ coincidentally.. AWESOME friends to have =))))))

Bakerzin.. Jermaine with her Profiteroles!!! SUPER AWESOME!! SINFUL!!!

Profiteroles up-close..

Liwei with her Blackforest cake and latte =)))))

My waffle with ice-cream and strawberry coulis!!! AWESOME!! the waffle is so cripsy!!!

Expert reeve using his maths, physics calculations before he hit the ball.. HAHAHAHAHAHA =X

At City Hall on the way to Expo for service with Jermaine.. I love this pic a lot.. isn't she pretty??
___________________
As I return back to Singapore this time round, I began to see so many people around me growing. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. It's something really really really AWESOME to see such a thing happening. I suppose at the end of the day, it's when you leave someone or somewhere for a certain period of time, you will actually only by then realise about such improvments and changes that happen to people who actually used to be around you every single day, where you will not really realise that they have truly grown over the time. An example will be my juniors, becoming taller, but also more mature in their thinking nowadays. Though they might have conflict, but they deal with it in a much more mature manner, just like an adult with effective conflict resolution skills, hopefully having a win-win situation based on the conflict.

These past 2 weeks has been really impacting for me, espcially towards my personal and spiritual life. At the end of the day, all i can say is, Praise God, Thanks for setting me free from my struggles. Especially in the area of Lust, Pride and Self-doubt and some self-esteem problems. Yes, I do have my own struggles as well, but however, I've learnt on Saturday during service to really lift it up to the Lord, and He is definitely with me all the time, guiding me along as I step into my Wilderness. Praise God for that Awesome Day. I feel realy different, someone really new. I no longer struggle with problems of self-doubt anymore. I used to tell people how bad am i but now, I strongly believe that Benjamin is created like that and that's what makes him unique, he is a child of the most high God the Father who's in heaven.

I realise I'm someone with this habit that once i start walking around alone, I will just start thinking and reflecting on things that has happened and try to find ways to learn from it to become a better person. Over the past few weeks, I truly began to realise what was truly missing from my life, at a point of time, I just feel that it might be love and I might have a need of having love from someone, hopefully a girlfriend, someone who truly love me. I was wondering, considering that I have been winning all those awards and prizes over the past year, I kept on having those empty feelings within myself. However, once, a revelation just hit me, I was prompted in the Holy Spirit and in the end, I realise this during one of my personal times walking aimlessly. I realised that I don't feel a sense of satisfaction was because I was doing all those things not totally relying on God at all, I realise that it was totally based on my own personal strength. Imagine how magnificient things will become if I rely on God instead.

So now the question most people will be asking me now is this - What is your next plan Ben?? What do you intend to do now since it's a few months before your national service??

My answer is going to be, work, earn some pocket money, spent more quality time with people around me, get myself all fit and ready for my National Service.

Alright people, have an awesome week ahead, best wishes from me to those who are having exams now =))))))))))))

Happy 20th Birthday to the Beautiful Karmen!!!! YOU GO GIRL!!! =)))) <3